The Aftermath
by AtlantisJoeFan
Summary: Set 6 months after my story Maybe This Time. John and Cat are settling into their new relationship but there are stormy waters on the Atlantis horizon. Can their relationship survive? A John Sheppard and O/C story. Now complete.
1. Chapter 1

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**Chapter 1**

Cat could not believe how quickly the last 6 months had passed since that night on the east pier. They had quickly settled into a routine. It had been difficult for him at first to get to grips with the idea of having a permanent girlfriend on the base and he had kept his rooms too. She rather suspected that he needed the security of having a place to go to and he still used them as an 'office', keeping all his 'toys' there. Recently he and Rodney had taken to racing remote controlled cars up and down the long corridors of Atlantis, sometimes into the early hours of the morning. She loved that childish side of him and understood that it was an essential part of how he dealt with all the horrors he had faced. Cat knew that the irascible scientist was important to John, and she did not begrudge him the time. On these nights, John would creep into bed, trying not to wake her. She had to admit, that she couldn't sleep until she felt the warmth of his body pressed against her. It was his habit to cuddle her and gently kiss the back of her neck, and she let him, all the time pretending to be asleep.

Truth be known, she never needed time apart from John, but there were times, especially after a particularly difficult mission, when he needed to spend some time alone. So, they tended to spend their nights in her quarters, and by now the entire city 'informally' knew where to find Colonel Sheppard in an emergency.

She looked over to the sleeping head of dark messy hair on the pillow next to her, his hazel eyes closed and a hint of a smile traced across his full lips. They hadn't got round to ordering a larger bed and still slept virtually on top of each other, his long legs dangling off the edge. He was an untidy sleeper, and he was so caught up in the covers, that there was very little covering him. She was still amazed that John Sheppard should have chosen her and loved to wake up before him, so that she could slowly run her eyes across the muscled body lying so close to her. Though he'd been tired the night before, as always he found the energy for the passionate love making which she was becoming addicted to. John was an amazing lover, so tender and concerned for all her needs and wants. Physically, he was able to express how he felt about her, in ways that he still could not verbally. She had never felt so attached to a man before, so in love, and had told him many times, but he had not been able to say it back and she had thought that she was fine with that until recently when it had begun to bother her more. She didn't know why he found it so difficult to express his 'feelings' and she had tried to talk to him, but he had found some excuse and she let the matter drop. Cat had an uncomfortable feeling that they needed to jump this hurdle soon, before it came between them. She longed for him to tell her he loved her and was beginning to wonder if he really did feel the same way as she did and, yet, she knew that if she pushed too hard, she might lose him and never wake up to the warmth she felt this morning and every morning when he stayed with her.

'Morning,' muttered a sleep filled voice. 'What time is it?'

'Time to get up, unfortunately,' she replied, 'you've a briefing with Woolsey in 45 minutes.'

She moved towards him and kissed him gently on the lips and was about to pull away, when his arms snaked around her back and he pulled her closer, returning her kiss hotly and passionately. They often woke this way, enjoying the warm glow that they took with them for the rest of the morning, and she gladly melted into his arms. Making love with John was just that and she could not have enough of these moments of closeness and intimacy, never wanting them to end.

He kept a spare set of BDUs in her room, neatly folded in her underwear drawer, which she always found amusing.

'if I'm being chased by Wraith or other bug-eyed monsters intent on eating me, or listening to Woolsey ranting on about protocol for the umpteenth time in the day, just knowing that my clothes have slept with your knickers keeps me going, until I can sleep next to the real thing!' he had explained and that cheeky, sexy smile that she loved shimmied across his face.

She watched him dress, regretting the disappearance of his wonderful body underneath the baggy black BDUs. As was their ritual, he came over to her, took her face in his hands and gently kissed her. Then with a 'see ya later hon' he was off. That was the worst moment of the morning and she had yet to rid herself of the knot of fear that formed in her stomach. They had tacitly decided that neither would mention the danger or their fears out loud and that routine was the best way keep the lid on them. She supposed that it was easier for him because of his training, but she still clock-watched whenever he was on a mission. She had some friends among the Atlantis technicians, especially Chuck and Banks, who would let her know the minute John returned. They even had a code for how he was. 'OK' was, well okay! 'W' meant worried or anxious. 'H' meant he was hurt. 'HO' meant another member of the team was hurt. The one she was dreading was 'NS' short for no show. The one where John had not returned with his team. When Chuck wanted to know if she wanted to include DOA in their list of codes, she refused and simply said that she would never accept that possibility, even though she knew full well that it was all too likely given the danger he was in on a daily basis. John didn't know about the 'codes' and she wouldn't tell him. She also wouldn't say that she sometimes quietly watched from the balcony of the gate room, when the team was late, only to disappear quickly when he arrived. He had enough stress and pressure with his 'day job' to worry about her.

Staring at the door that had closed behind him, Cat sighed and got up. Yet again, he had not said those words that she so wanted to hear. Perhaps tomorrow it would happen and yet she doubted that he had even remembered what day tomorrow was. A month ago she had set this date as a personal deadline. This was the day by which he would tell her he loved her. After all, that's what Valentine's Day is for, isn't it? She had not really decided what she would do if the deadline passed, but had great plans for the evening. For the last week she had been planning what she would cook and how the evening would go. The location had to be the east pier. After all, that was where he first made love to her and it was still a favourite hideaway for them. She had begged and borrowed from friends, and now had a table and tablecloth, chair, a candelabra and candles and had managed to purloin the best steak from the kitchens. In fact, that had been the easiest task, because Chief Maria Johnson had something of a crush on John, as did most of the women on the base. The present had been the most difficult, but Teyla had helped out and introduced her to a craftsman among the Athosians who made Athosian courting rings. On the inside of the ring was engraved her name and John's in Ancient. She knew that he could not wear it on his finger, so had also bought a leather lace for him to tie it round his neck.

Sighing, Cat left her quarters and headed off to the refectory for breakfast. John had probably just grabbed a muffin and a coffee, not really being one to sit down and eat in the morning, but she enjoyed breakfast with her friends. As usual, Teyla and Ronon were sitting at the table next to the window. The Atlantis 'A' team had taken ownership of the best seat in the house, overlooking the spires of the city below. In the morning, it was bathed in a golden light and at night time, the two visible moons shone an unearthly blue. Yes, thought Cat. Atlantis is perfect, so perfect that she even knows how to colour the lives of those who live within her.

'Hi Cat. How are you this morning?' asked the petite Athosian. 'Seen John yet?' Teyla knew full well where John spent his nights, as did Ronon and Rodney, but enjoyed gently teasing Cat.

'Now, why would I have seen Colonel Sheppard?' Cat replied, more for possible eavesdroppers than anything else. While she was certain that most people 'knew' about them, John had been very clear that he didn't want to make their relationship public. If they did end up sitting at the same table, or watching a film in the rec room, he kept his distance and never touched her. He had said that it could undermine his authority if they 'canoodled' in public. When she objected that she only expected some acknowledgement, or a gentle touch, and didn't expect to have sex in front of the Atlantis staff, his expression told her that he would brook no argument. And, when Colonel Sheppard made up his mind about something, he was absolutely intractable. Still, it added to her insecurities that he didn't feel ready to openly declare or show how he felt about her. She was beginning to feel more like a mistress than a long time partner and the doubts were starting to eat away at her confidence.

'Hey, what's up?' grunted Ronon. The tall ex-runner was not exactly the most talkative individual, but Cat had come to like him very much. 'Sheppard treating you okay, because if he's not, I can always rough him up a little extra next time we train!'

'That won't be necessary, Ronon. Last time you went a little 'rough' on him, he had to sleep on his right side all night, and he wasn't the only one who felt the effects of your anger. He couldn't move properly for two days!' she laughed. John and Ronon rarely argued, but sometimes the testosterone flowed too hard and they became very competitive. John nearly always came off worse.

Cat was desperate to speak with Teyla. She had already confided her fears about how John felt and his inability to express his feelings, and she needed her calm guidance now. Thankfully, Teyla was the most empathic person she knew and sensed the need, so she suggested that they head off for the gym for their bantos training.

'I can't help it, Teyla. I don't even know if he loves me anymore and I set myself this stupid deadline, always believing that he would have told me by now. I'm almost certain that he hasn't a clue about tomorrow either. What do I do if he forgets? What if he doesn't love me?' Despite herself, she began to cry. She hadn't realised how important this was to her, and by the time it had crept up on her, it was too late. She just couldn't rid herself of the nagging fears that were beginning to torment her. She couldn't bear the thought that the man she considered to be her soul-mate, her one-and-only, might not feel the same about her. She couldn't imagine a cold bed and waking up without his warmth next to her.

'Look, Cat. Why don't you leave an invitation on his e-mail, so that he picks it up during the day? You can invite him to a romantic dinner on the pier. It is quite possible that John will not realise tomorrow is Valentine's Day: he's not very good at that kind of thing, just like many men. It's probably best not to mention it. Just the invite should entice him. After all, it is your 'place'. I'm sure he loves you Cat. I can see it in his eyes, when he looks for you across a crowded room and the smile that lights up his face when he finds you. Don't worry; I'm certain it will all turn out alright'.

'You're right, Teyla. I'll do just that. Thanks. You know how much I appreciate your support and friendship.'

Cat left the gym with a new resolve, already composing the e-mail message in her head. Tomorrow was going to be interesting!


	2. Chapter 2

_**This chapter is a chance to see a little more of John and his relationship with Rodney as well as filling in some now familiar back story. More angsty than romancy! Oh, and Rodney is married to Katie Brown, because I really can't be doing with all that McKeller stuff!**_

**Chapter 2**

John was feeling restless and he couldn't quite put his finger on why. His meeting with Woolsey had been brief. He had a growing respect for the strange little man, especially after the timely rescue from the inquisition earlier that year, but he could also be a pedantic pain–in-the-ass. This morning's meeting was to remind John that his staff appraisals were due. He remembered Elizabeth and her quiet reminders about overdue paperwork and sighed. Things had certainly changed around here in the last 2 years.

When John was feeling like this, he usually gravitated towards the Science labs and he automatically set off in that direction. A bit of Rodney snarking usually made him feel better and John often visited Rodney in the morning. He would never admit to himself that part of the reason was the need to check that Rodney was still there. Their friendship, kinship really, had deepened since that damn parasite took Rodney's intelligence and threatened to take his life. Rodney's descent into second childhood had been a painful experience for all his friends, but for John the most. He hadn't realised how much he had come to rely upon him until he was nearly gone and I guess he also realised how much Rodney needed him too. Of all his family on Atlantis, Rodney was his oldest and closest friend.

The scientist was there, leaning over his laptop as always, and talking to himself. Rodney was rarely quiet and didn't need an audience, although he certainly enjoyed one. Using his best stealth tactics, John crept up behind him and silently stood, watching over his shoulder, counting the seconds before Rodney realised he was there. On the screen was some kind of complex mathematical formula which Rodney was fussing over and cursing at. John recognised it as Rodney's latest 'how to make the drainage system more efficient' project. Rodney, when not saving Atlantis from murderous villains, was obsessed with the noises that the drains made, continuously complaining about those 'damn Ancients and their priorities'. Nobody else really noticed the slight gurgling noises that came from the belly of the city but Rodney had made it his pet project.

'How long have you been standing there? Do you know how unnerving it is when you do that? How do you do that anyway, creeping up on people?' Rodney snarked.

'Oh, about 10 minutes,' teased John, 'what you doing?'

'Wha...Oh, more of the joking. When will I learn? And you know damn well what I'm doing. I think I've nearly got it,' replied Rodney. 'Those Ancients knew a thing or two about defence systems and how to build flying cities, but next to nothing about the basic comforts of life, like how not to drive me mad with stupid squeaky gurgling noises every time someone has a shower or flushes the toilet. What do you want, anyway, apart from putting me off vital work?'

John took advantage of Rodney's pause for breath. He had a question to ask and was still slightly amazed that Rodney could be the one to answer it. Of all the people on Atlantis, he would never have believed that Rodney would be the first to settle down, but Katie Brown had changed all that. Rodney McKay, the married man!

'I...I have a question to ask you,' he stuttered, 'it's a little bit personal...'

'Okay,' drawled Rodney slowly, 'but you need to know that I am already taken, although I can't say that I'm not flattered that the great Kirk impersonator should set his sights on the lowly Scientist.'

'Shut up, Rodney. It's just that, and believe me this surprises me more than anything, you are probably the best person to answer this because you're the most settled romantically, if you know what I mean?'

'Okay. I mean, I guess I am a bit of an expert now in all things relationshippy. Fire away!'

'Relationshippy??' Is that really a word?' John and Rodney had developed a sort of short hand over the last 5 years and making up silly words was just one of them. 'Never mind. Look, Rodney, here's the thing. You know I'm really bad at expressing, well you know expressing....'

'Feelings?' interjected Rodney.

'Yeah, feelings. This might seem a bit personal, but do you...have you told Katie how you feel about her...do you tell her?' John was trying to hold back his embarrassment with little success and flushed bright red. Damn it. Why did he find this so hard? He knew the answer. He had never really had the softness of a female hand at home. His mother had died when he was 6 years old and he had been brought up by his father whose vocabulary didn't include the words 'love' or 'care'. Instead, he would reserve his praise for moments when his two sons 'made him proud' and John had never been that brother. In fact, he knew that Patrick Sheppard had never been proud of him. Not that he could entirely blame him: John was a wild and reckless teenager. Whereas his brother Dave had towed the line, John rebelled. He got in with the 'wrong crowd', and it wasn't until his friend Steve was killed in one of their unofficial road races, that he began to calm down, although he had never really lost his love for all things fast. That's why he joined the Air Force: yet another reason for his father not to be proud of him. And after the supposed black mark in Afghanistan, his father had finally disowned him. John could never forget or forgive his father for the words he had used and on that day he walked out of his home forever.

Rodney interrupted his thoughts. 'Well...why do you want to know? I mean it is a bit personal.'

'it's just that, well...you know that Cat and I have been together for 6 months and I am really very happy, but I have the feeling that she wants more from me. It's great, you know and I thought we'd found a happy place, but recently I've caught her looking at me oddly, even expectantly, and it's unsettling.'

'Are you telling me that you haven't told her how you feel, yet? Oh man, are you in trouble! If you take my advice, tell her soon or you could lose her. It took me too long to tell Katie and I almost lost her because of it. To answer your question frankly, of course I tell her I love her. Every morning, every evening and whenever else I get to see her. And she tells me back. Take the advice from an old married-man and tell her soon.'

John felt the familiar discomfort return at the prospect. One of the reasons for the break-up of his marriage to Nancy, apart from his frequent and unexplained disappearances with the Air Force, was his inability to express how he felt, although he knew that his feelings were much more intense for Cat. He didn't know if he was ready to take that step, or even able to. Somehow, saying it would commit him openly and why did that feel like a trap? At 41, maybe he was just too set in his bachelor ways to settle down and make a permanent commitment?

'I just don't know if I'm ready to commit so much, Rodney, I just don't know.'

Caught up in his thoughts, he hadn't noticed that Rodney had changed the subject and was muttering something about presents and surprises.

'You know, this is the first Valentine's Day when I have had someone to send a card to. She's already given me the best present, but I found a new plant on the last planet I visited and I've named it after her.'

John finally tuned into what Rodney was saying. 'Valentine's Day? What are you talking about? When?'

'You really are useless romantically, aren't you? It's a good job you've such an expert on hand to guide you in your hour of need! It's tomorrow! I can't believe you didn't know: half the city has been twittering about it for weeks. I think the Daedelus had to make an extra trip, just to carry the cargo of wine, food and gifts ordered from Earth,' smiled Rodney, with that irritating smug look on his face when he knew he had one over on his friend.

'No, I didn't know.' Rodney watched as the familiar frown crept up John's forehead. He knew that this was a signal for the end of the conversation and he was right. John turned on his heel and strode out of the room, his mood difficult to assess. Rodney just hoped that he would make the right decision and finally tell Cat how he felt. He, like Teyla, had seen a great change in his friend since he had met Cat and it was obvious that he had strong feelings for her, but would he or could he tell her? He needed to find Ronon. Somehow they needed to convince John not to throw everything away.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

John left Rodney's lab deep in thought and headed for his next port of call in the morning ritual. Ronon and he regularly sparred at this time of the day, when they were not off-world. He was finally getting better, and could beat most of the marines, but had rarely got the better of Ronon. Unlike Rodney, Ronon was a man of action not words, so it was with some surprise that he caught him sitting down, struggling with what looked like wrapping paper and ribbon.

'Oh, god, not you too, Ronon? Is there no-one in this city not obsessing about tomorrow? Who's the lucky lady...or gentleman?'

Looking a little sheepish, Ronon pushed the untidy mess to one side and turned to look at John. He knew he owed this man much and considered him a brother, more than friend. When he had received Rodney's message a few minutes ago, he had to quickly decide what to do, but talking 'feelings' with another man was not something he felt at all comfortable with.

'Lieutenant Banks. You know, the kick boxing technician. Things have been hotting up there.'

'Oh, right,' John grinned awkwardly, 'I'm very pleased for you. When can I congratulate you?'

'Yeah, well, lust and sex is where we're at, but it might develop'. John smiled at Ronon's directness. It was something he admired greatly about the man. 'So, what are **you** doing tomorrow?' Ronon continued, ignoring the angry look that crossed John's face.

'You know what, I think I'll skip the whole being beaten black and blue thing this morning. I am a busy man and I have work to do.' John made to leave, but was held back by a large hand on his arm.

'Look, John. If you love her, you need to tell her. If you want to be with her, you have to tell her. It's simple. Bite the bullet or call it off and move on.'

'Everybody's a relationship expert today,' John replied sarcastically. Ronon released him and watched sadly as John stalked out of the room. He had a nasty feeling that that hadn't gone as well as he had hoped.

****

Cat had spent the day engrossed in preparations, putting aside all her worries and doubts. She had hoped to come across John at lunchtime, but he was nowhere to be seen. Instead, she satisfied herself with wrapping his present and making sure the table and chairs were hidden at the pier, then buried herself in her work for the afternoon. The task of cataloguing all the objects collected from the beginning of the expedition was huge and she had yet to be given an assistant to help. However, it was the most interesting job she had ever had and she loved every minute of it. She tried to put aside all her earlier fears and had just about managed to forget them by the evening.

Again, at dinner John was not around. She buzzed Chuck, thinking he might have gone off-world, but he hadn't, so she just assumed that something urgent had come up following his meeting with Woolsey that morning. She didn't even worry when he hadn't come to bed by midnight, quite used to his late nights and early mornings spent with his friends. She certainly didn't begrudge him this time, comforted in the knowledge that he would crawl into bed with her sometime before daylight. When she finally drifted off to sleep at about 3a.m., she still was not overly concerned.

Cat woke up with a start. The first thing she noticed was that her back was cold, then that the golden light of the Atlantis morning was streaming through her window. The usual dent in the mattress beside her was absent too. John had not come to bed last night. This was the first time, apart from late nights back from missions, or nights spent away from Atlantis, that she hadn't woken up next to him. As morning consciousness properly stirred, she also remembered that it was Valentine's Day and the uneasiness that she had managed to dispel the previous day began to grow again.

'Don't panic, girl,' she told herself, 'there's bound to be a sensible explanation.' She slipped on her jogging pants and top and headed off down the corridor to Ronon's room. He took some time to answer his door and looked somewhat flustered and she belatedly realised that Amelia Banks was probably with him.

'I'm sorry, Ronon. Didn't mean to disturb you. Was John with you last night? Have you seen him?'

Ronon frowned. No, he said, he hadn't seen him since yesterday morning. Had she tried Rodney? He was sure there was a simple explanation.

It wasn't until Cat was about to knock on Rodney and Katie's door that she remembered what the day was and why they might not want to see her right then. Embarrassed, and determined to apologise to Ronon and Amelia later, she had another thought and ran towards John's quarters. Surely, he wouldn't be here? Why would he? It took a while for the door to open, but the dishevelled hair appeared first, followed by a rather tired looking John Sheppard.

'Oh!' she stuttered, 'I really didn't expect you to be here. I was worried. You didn't come home last night. Is anything the matter?'

'I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? We're not welded together at the hip, you know, and these are my quarters,' he snapped. He instantly regretted the sharpness of his tone as he met her eyes. The shock registered first, followed by pain, then anger. He wanted to reach out for her and tell her he was sorry, but she simply turned her back and walked away before he could. Following her with his eyes, he sighed deeply. 'Well, perhaps it's for the best;' he thought. Only he suspected that however often he told himself this, he wouldn't believe it.

Cat held onto her tears until she reached their, no her room, where she broke down and sobbed uncontrollably. How could he do this to them? To her? All the dread that she had been feeling crashed down around her and for a while she lost the control that she usually prided herself in. Cat wasn't one for dwelling too long and finally she managed to stop crying. Okay. How to solve this problem? She was tempted to let him make the next move, but knowing John that would never happen. Swallowing her pride, she decided that attack was the best form of defence. She opened her laptop and sent him the e-mail invitation for their romantic dinner for two that she had so carefully crafted the day before. If he came, then she would know that they were alright. If he didn't, well she couldn't even go there. She would even tell herself that it was okay for him not to say he loved her, as long as she could be with him.

_To Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard._

_From Doctor Catherine Adams_

_You are cordially invited to dinner for two tonight at the newly opened Atlantis restaurant on the east pier. Dress optional. 7:30pm._

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

The evening shone down on the pier, illuminating it with a crystal blue light. A small round table, with two chairs and a silver candelabra could be seen perched at the far end. An observer might have been surprised to see a lone figure, sitting disconsolately with her legs swinging off the edge of the pier. It was 10 o'clock, and the city was beginning to quieten down for the night. The earlier hustle and bustle of Valentine's Day celebrations had subsided, as had the noise from the 'singles' party given by Lorne and the marines on the west pier. On the table sat two plates, with food gone cold and sauce congealed. The candles were stuttering, one already having gone out. A small, unopened parcel tied with red ribbon was next to one of the plates. Wearily, she got up, gathered up the parcel and blew out the candles. Then, suddenly, she grasped the plates and flung them angrily into the ocean, causing miniscule ripples across the calm surface. Regaining some semblance of control, she quietly put the candelabra to one side, and carefully folded up the table and chairs. She'd come back for those tomorrow.

Cat had never felt quite like this before. There was a physical ache in her chest and she wondered melodramatically if this was what heart-break felt like. Because, that was how she felt. John hadn't come. He didn't love her. It was over. Recalling the sharp words he had spoken that morning, she cursed herself for being so stupid. For letting him in. For falling in love. She had really thought that he felt about her the same way, but now understood their 'relationship' for what it had been. She was an amusement, great in bed and a good game to play for a while, until she had begun to want more, then he had backed away.

Not wanting to go back to her quarters, with the all too present reminders of John there (his uniform, his toothbrush, his smell on her sheets and her pillow) she decided that she would do the most clichéd thing she could imagine and headed for the Atlantis bar. Getting really drunk seemed like a good idea right then. Hesitating at the door way, she was surprised to hear female laughter responding to a deeper male voice, expecting the place to be deserted. She was about turn away, giving the whole getting drunk idea a miss, when she recognised the soft purr in the male voice. It was John. She was sure of it. He'd used that tone of voice with her many times, especially in the early days of their relationship. Not wanting to look, but knowing she had to, she looked towards the bar. A tall, leggy and incredibly glamorous brunette was draped around him, giggling as he whispered something in her ear. Whatever he was saying, it was clearly having the desired effect because the brunette leapt onto his knee and kissed him. Cat watched as his hands began to caress the woman's ass, and then decided that she had had enough. She turned away from him, tears burning her eyes, and prayed that she could escape to somewhere private before she made a fool of herself in front of the whole of Atlantis.

*****

John was really beginning to wonder what an earth he was doing. Okay, she was attractive and it was really flattering the way she was fawning all over him, but her incessant giggling was beginning to irritate him. When he had opened his e-mails, he was surprised to find Cat's invitation and had spent the day trying to decide what to do. If he went, then that was as good as committing himself to the relationship. If he didn't, then that would be it. Over. He knew that nothing more would be said and he could move on. So, he decided to test himself. He would find himself the most beautiful and available female in the city, and work his charm. If he went ahead with it and had a night of casual sex, then he would know that Cat and he were over. If he couldn't, then he had resolved to go straight to her, get down on bended knees and apologise for being so stupid. He might even be able to tell her he loved her. At one point in the evening, he thought he caught a glimpse of someone watching them from the door, but nobody came in so he must have been mistaken. So, still undecided, he began to return the kiss that was offered him and started to move his hands over the brunette's body. That was the point when he realised how stupid he was being. He couldn't even pretend to be sexually attracted to her, which surprised him, and he knew why.

What the hell had he done? Reality hit him like one of Rodney's barbs. He imagined her sitting out on the pier, waiting for him. He imagined how she would have felt and saw again the hurt in her eyes that morning. That he had betrayed her today of all days might be something she could never forgive him for. You stupid bastard, John. You've probably messed up the only good thing that's ever happened to you. He wanted her so badly that it hurt. Pushing the brunette away, he smiled an apology and rushed from the bar, towards the woman that he now knew he loved more that the Earth and Atlantis put together.

The east pier was deserted. John registered the neatly folded table and chairs, before he sighed and ran from the pier towards her quarters, hoping that she would be there. He tried to come up with something deep and meaningful to say when she first opened the door to him, but was struggling as to how he would explain himself. I mean, if he told her the truth, that he had spent the evening flirting with a beautiful brunette at the bar, she would quite reasonable throw him out on his ear. Well, he would just see what happened, desperate now to make things right again.

He knocked on her door to no response and tried to listen for any sounds coming from within. He knew that she would be really pissed off with him, and enough of her stubborn determination to know too that she could play this game longer than him. Finally giving up the knocking, he buzzed Chuck.

'Hey, Chuck. Could you do me a favour?' he asked as casually as he could. 'Could you locate where Doctor Adams is right now?'

'Yes, of course, sir.' Chuck took all that was thrown at him with the same even attitude. Even when he had to deliver the worst kind of messages, that someone was MIA or worse, he still maintained the same matter-of-fact professionalism. 'Doctor Adams is not in the city, sir. Her locator is not showing up anywhere.'

'No, no that isn't possible. Please check again.' John began to panic. Chuck must be mistaken. She had to be somewhere. If her life signs were not being detected...Oh god, he couldn't accept that possibility.

'Sorry, sir. I cannot detect her life signs anywhere on the city and I've checked the ocean too. No signal at all.' Chuck had heard the rising panic in his CO's voice and was beginning to panic himself. He really liked Cat and had been delighted when she and the colonel hooked up. She had been really good for him and, until the last few days when they had returned, he no longer had the dark moods that used to make him unusually snappy.

'Rodney, Teyla, Ronon, I need you in the gate room now!' John's urgent call went over the radio and within 5 minutes all four of them were standing in the control room. John had quickly explained that Cat was missing, leaving out the details of the 'why' except for the fact that they had 'had a little argument'. He didn't think that they bought his explanation but it would have to do for now.

'Rodney. Please tell me there is some other way I can find her. Why would her detector suddenly stop working? There has to be a logical reason.'

Teyla slipped her arm gently around his, 'John, you need to accept what is obvious here. If we cannot detect her she is either not in the city, or there is another reason why her life signs are not being detected.'

'Rodney, has there been any gate activity this evening? Any other signs that anyone has been beamed out of the city?' John was grasping at straws and he knew it. Trying to hold onto his emotions, he knew that this was rapidly going from a search and rescue mission to one where there was only a body to be brought back. The pain that was rising from his stomach, to his chest, was almost unbearable and he didn't know how long he could hold on. Just as long as it takes to find you, my love, just as long as it takes.

With a look of sadness, Rodney checked, knowing what he would find. 'I'm sorry, John. No signs of any activity. She's simply gone.' He could see the pain in his friend's eyes and wished that he could have comforted him with some hope.

For the first time on Atlantis, John felt real despair. Even when the Wraith and the Replicators attacked the city, even when the Ancients had thrown them out and he had returned to Earth, he had never give up hope. But this was different. She was dead out there somewhere and he had as good as killed her. His legs buckled underneath him as he sat down heavily on the step, head in hands and cried in a way he hadn't since his mother died.

TBC

_YES, I KNOW THAT JOHN DOESN'T USUALLY CRY, BUT THIS IS A REALLY EMOTIONAL POINT IN THE STORY AND I FELT IT WOULD WORK! COMMENTS AND REVIEWS ALWAYS APPRECIATED._


	5. Chapter 5

_If you like a bit of emotional shep whumping, then this is probably the chapter for you!_

**Chapter 5**

Cat stumbled through the city for what seemed like hours before she found herself in a part that she didn't recognise. That surprised her, because she thought she'd explored most of it by now and John had showed her his secret places. At the thought of John, tears began to flow and she was grateful that no-one else was around to see. All she needed was some time alone and she would be fine, or at least that's what she was telling herself. In truth, she didn't feel that she would ever be fine again. The ache in her chest had returned, truly a physical manifestation of her broken heart. Ahead she saw a set of stairs and, at the top, a transporter. The doors whooshed behind her, a bright light flashed, and when they were open, she was on a balcony high above the city. Oh, well, she wanted to be alone, didn't she?

The night air was cold: Atlantis nights on New Lantea could often fall below freezing and there was a frost beginning to glisten on the railings. She had dressed in John's favourite dress that evening and it hadn't occurred to her to change into something warmer. She felt the chill begin to seep through the skimpy fabric. Even so, the view here was magnificent and the glistening spires of the city began to calm her. She huddled in the corner of the balcony, trying to manufacture as much warmth as possible and, despite all the odds and probably due more to exhaustion that peace, she finally fell asleep.

As John's friends gathered around him, they could do little to comfort the broken man. None of them had seen him like this, even after Elizabeth and Carson had died, and they were so used to him supporting them that they didn't know what to do.

Rodney busied himself by staring at the screen and clicking on his laptop. He knew too that he was searching for a body, not the wonderful alive creature that was Cat. They had all come to love her over the past 6 months, both for herself and for what she had given to John. He had felt less guilty about marrying Katie, once he knew that John had found someone and had even felt a little jealous about how much John was clearly loved. He couldn't imagine what had happened between them to cause this, but knew that whatever it was it was another mountain of guilt that John Sheppard would take with him. He even wondered, looking at the broken man, whether this would be the final straw for him, piled upon all the other ways that he tortured himself daily.

'I am so stupid!' he suddenly exclaimed. This expression coming from the usually arrogant scientist was such a surprise, that even John looked up briefly. 'The sensors can't detect every part of the city. While I was running the repairs to the drainage systems, I found two small sections that had remained undetected and undiscovered.' Teyla and Ronon leapt to their feet and were standing impatiently behind him. 'Here and here,' he pointed at the screen, 'Major Lorne, please come to the control room immediately. We have and urgent search and rescue to co-ordinate. Um... Colonel Sheppard is a little indisposed right now, so you'll need to lead this one,' he continued, responding to Lorne's enquiring silence.

The control room filled with bustle and determination. Lorne sent 4 teams out to search the un-classified areas of Atlantis. He had tried not to look at his CO, unable to bear seeing him this way and knowing that John appreciated the sensitivity. They had developed a strong bond of mutual trust and Lorne truly liked and respected the man. He just hoped that they would find her alive.

All the time, John sat in a kind of daze, only half aware of what was going on. He had heard Rodney shout, but hadn't really registered what had been said. People came and went, but the only thing he was aware of was the gentle touch of Teyla's hand on his arm and the ache and nausea that wracked his body. In his head, his imagination was playing vicious tricks on him, forcing him to create scenarios of her death over and over again.

Suddenly, a message came over the PA. 'Emergency Medical Team to search grid 3. We've found her. I repeat we've found her!' John stood up rapidly and staggered over to Rodney, his legs refusing to move as quickly as he wanted.

'Is she alive? I repeat, is she alive?' he desperately asked.

'Yes, sir, but barely. She's icy cold and unconscious and her pulse is very thready. I think we only just made it in time.'

'Rodney, show me how to get there. Quickly. Ronon and Teyla with me.' Somehow the remnant of John that was a trained soldier won through and he was able to fall back on old routines. They ran silently through the city, each praying that Cat was still alive. For John, he simply repeated in his head over and over the mantra, 'please be alive, please be alive, please don't leave me, I love you.'

They nearly crashed into the medical team coming the opposite way. It was a blur of activity. Dr Keller was desperately trying to keep her patient alive. Little could be seen of Cat beneath the silver of the blanket. All John could do was ask, 'Will she be alright, Doc?' and the look he received back simply said, 'I don't know'.

Waiting was the worst. Cat had been rushed into the emergency room and John firmly told to stay outside. Ronon, Teyla and Rodney all stayed with him and Woolsey came down to lend his support. He had developed a strong respect for his second in command in the year he had been on Atlantis, a respect that he felt was gradually being reciprocated. And the practical leader in him knew that he couldn't find a man more suited to his position or more able than the Colonel, despite his somewhat dubious reputation back on Earth. Finally, Jennifer swung through the doors and, taking off her mask met John's eyes with a smile.

'I think she's going to be alright. She is suffering from hypothermia and her heart rhythm had become quite irregular, but we have her stabilised. What an earth was she doing out there? She was very lucky that the night wasn't as cold as it sometimes can be here.' She didn't miss the pained look in John's eyes that quickly came and went and wondered what had happened between them. Still, that was not her business. 'You can go and see her now if you want. She is sedated and asleep, so don't expect any conversation yet. It will probably be several hours before she wakes up.'

With a quick hug from Teyla, and a hand shake from Rodney and Ronon, John passed them a look of thanks before he turned and entered ICU.

TBC

_Reviews always welcome. Nearly over for poor John!_


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Cat opened her eyes to a bright glare and the smell of antiseptic. She knew immediately where she was, but couldn't for the life of her remember why. She remembered something vaguely about cold and a pain in her chest, but no more. There seemed to be a weight and a patch of warmth pressing on her right side and, looking down, she saw the familiar spikes of John's hair, still standing up impossibly. His head was resting on her stomach and his hand lightly on her arm. She was about to stroke his head, when more memories of the night before came flooding back to her: the coldness of her bed when she woke up to find him absent; his harsh words; the feeling of loneliness on the pier; his hand running over a brunette's body, and she withdrew her hand, simply staring down at him. He must have felt her stir, because his head shot up and she was amazed to see the expression in his expressive eyes, the eyes that had made her fall in love with him in the first place.

'Oh god, Cat, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me for being such a damn fool. I love you so much. I thought you were dead. I thought I'd never be able to hold you again.' To her amazement, a tear crept down his cheek as his voice broke, and she had a sobbing John Sheppard in her arms. But more importantly, he had said those words that she never thought to hear. There was much to be sorted between them, and he had a lot of explaining to do, but this would do for now.

'I love you too, John Sheppard, but then you already know that. I promise you, if you ever pull a stunt like that again, I will never forgive you.' He looked into her eyes and she saw his love for her, wishing she could bottle that look and carry it with her forever.

***

She woke up to the early morning sun, warming her front. Behind her was the familiar comfort of his body, spooning her as always. The bed was still too small, but these moments made it all worthwhile. She had thought about getting up, when he tightened his arms around her and pulled her towards him. She felt his naked body against hers, the way his body reacted to her in the early morning and smiled a lustful smile. She knew every muscle and every contour of him and knew too what the next half an hour would bring. And, as always these days, he kissed her neck, then whispered in her ear, 'I love you Cat Adams. Always will.'

THE END

_Please review if you want more of their story! There's so much more to tell. After all, she still has the ring!_


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